The Anatomy of an Argument
Mary blurts out to her significant other, “ I felt disrespected by your comment.”
Editor’s Note: ‘Mary’ is not a real person, maybe more of a composite of a variety of people that I have known, in a variety of sexes, ages, marital statuses– or if I were honest– seen in the mirror. Mary is not necessarily a female. She could be Mark or Mike—but the point is that this approach is very recognizable and should be easy for all of us to relate to.
Her significant other—let’s call him Bob—has heard this tone before, seen this look on Mary’s emotionless, in control game-face. The tone was not ‘angry’, or ‘hurt’—not observably so. It was emotionless really. The sentence was delivered very business-like— not personal- in fact – it was disconnected from the obvious implications of the statement. Everyone is familiar with the ‘tone’. It isn’t the tone of a victim’s testimony of what happened to them—filled with hurt and emotion. “I was minding my own business when my life was ruined—I can’t walk the streets alone anymore. I don’t feel safe anymore. I just want my life back!” It looks more like how the victim’s lawyer would present the same information—business-like and without emotion. “Your honor, my client was robbed at gunpoint, brutally attacked without provocation by the defendant.”
Bob’s response? Likely, Bob feels like he needs to defend himself. It wasn’t what he had hoped to be doing with his day. He had no desire to disrespect Mary. In fact, he is struggling to see what was so offensive. It seems like a mistake, of a misunderstanding on her part—or maybe a miscommunication on his part that he was blissfully unaware of. But the verdict was in—he felt. He was guilty of disrespecting Mary—again. So he had choices of responses to make—none of them good – he thinks. He could ask, “What did I say that made you feel disrespected?” This approach never worked. First of all, even if he disguised his defensiveness— put on a demure smile – look directly into her blank eyes—her response is that he is being defensive and making it worse by attacking her. On the other hand, he could quickly apologize for his lack of respect – hoping to send signals that he is not feeling disrespectful toward her. But this approach doesn’t normally work either. He is not even sure what it means. He is not sure what he is apologizing for. He could ask her respectfully to share what she is feeling—but the problem is – as he has found out in the past, she doesn’t seem capable, or willing to discuss her real feelings. In her eyes, he is the problem and his defensiveness is making matters worst.
Is there hope for Bob? For Mary? Perhaps—but it will take some humble heart-work on both parts.
Lets begin by unpacking Mary’s comment. Maybe she can learn to be more accurate with her choice of wording. She verbalized “I felt disrespected by your comment.” Is this really to the point? A good attorney would have a field day rebutting this testimony. Listen-
Defense Attorney- Is it your testimony under oath that my client’s comments were the instigating cause of your feelings of disrespect?
Mary (The Plaintiff)- Yes.
DA- I would remind you that you are under oath. Were there any other instigating causes of your feelings?
Mary- Like what?
DA- Was there something that occurred in your day before the event that may have led to your feelings? Was there something that occurred in your childhood? Was your father openly respectful? Were your teachers? Were you treated with honor by employers? Other authority figures in your life?
Mary- What difference does that make? I am feeling disrespected by your comments too!
DA- Really Ms. Mary, you seem somewhat fragile in that arena. It seems to me that there is a live nerve in this area.
Mary- I do not know what you mean. You sound just like your client—uh, I mean Bob.
DA- Mary, isn’t it true that you truly feel disrespected—but that might have been caused by many things—things that you may not even be aware of. Bob’s supposed disrespectful comments (and I am not acknowledging that my client was indeed disrespectful at all) might have just opened or exposed something else?
Mary- I don’t know.
DA- You said that you felt disrespected. Right? But, often, people who are truly disrespected respond with emotion. They can be angry, and hurt and want vindication, they want to be respected. But you showed no emotion at all. Why is that?
Mary- I don’t know. I don’t like this line of questioning.
DA- Can you say that Bob does or doesn’t feel respect for you?
Mary- I am not sure that I can answer that.
DA- Are you aware that that is disrespectful to my client? He has testified that he does respect you and in no way wants you to feel disrespected—in fact—he wants you to feel honored. Is it your testimony then that Bob has failed as a husband to honor you?
Mary- I am confused.
DA- Are you aware that the second part of your statement could be taken as an accusation of guilt? Not a foundation for real sharing or dialogue? ‘I feel disrespected by your comment”. It could be taken by my client that you have considered all other possibilities, other causes and have concluded that it was Bob’s comment alone that led to your feelings which you describe as ‘disrespect’. Bob has testified that what he ‘heard’ was that you accused him of being disrespectful of you— which he in fact denies. What is your response to that.
Mary- I see what you are doing, you are turning the debate and making it about me. The real issue is Bob’s disrespect of me in his comment. This is not about me. I brought the matter up. Don’t turn it to me.
DA- So you are testifying under oath that the cause of the feelings is solely and strictly Bob’s comments. Is that correct?
Mary- No, of course not. But his comments were disrespectful.
DA- What we are establishing as a possibility is that there are other things that are causing your feelings of disrespect.
Mary- Of course but what does that have to do with Bob?
DA- Exactly the defenses point. Is it possible that Bob’s comments were not disrespectful to you? But you left the conversation still feeling disrespected?
Mary- Anything is possible—but what difference does it make?
DA- Dear Mary, if this is possible—and based upon Bob’s testimony, he only wants to honor you—then in fact—it is you that disrespected him.
Mary- What….!?
DA- My client testified that he would have been then and remains now open to a real dialogue with you about what you are feeling subsequent to the conversation. He testified that he is even open to find out that what he said was indeed insensitive and offensive to you—matters about which he is ignorant at this point. But he is not open to a non-dialogue which begins with , “I charge you with this crime!” Mary, do you see the difference?
Mary- I am not sure what you mean. I said what I said without a raised voice—without anger, without showing my hurt.
DA- I am sure that you think so. But would you recognize the possibility of your anger, your defensiveness, your desire for justice and vindication coming out anyway in your body language, your tone of voice, or even your lack of obvious emotion?
Mary- I don’t see the relevance in this. I didn’t get angry or defensive until Bob became defensive to me.
DA- Do I need to ask the Judge that I may treat you as a hostile witness? Mary, are you able to see that you accused my client of wrongdoing without asking for any clarification? Without honoring him by sharing what feelings you had within you—without accusing him of being disrespectful? You did not act honoring to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, or even allowing for the possibility that he was not in fact being disrespectful toward you—but that you made dangerous destructive assumptions and went with them. You trusted your feelings over Bob. Is that respectful?
Mary- Look, I know disrespect when I hear it.
DA- Is that your testimony? I put into evidence the observations of no less than Dostoyevsky in his brilliant The Brothers Karamazov regarding those who have learned to not be fiercely honest with themselves and therefore must by necessity blame others. Listen,
The man [or woman] who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offence, isn’t it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill — he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness.
My dear woman, is it possible—at all possible, even to the slightest degree that you indeed felt disrespected— but it was from within you— internally driven, a self-defacing happening deep within you—and not necessarily related to my client’s well-meaning comments at all? —That your real issue is more related to old shames, fears, embarrassments, and that your quickness to blame my client—without reasonable questions, without even minimal investigation, without any grace whatsoever— is the way that you have learned to survive? If so, then, as you say, it is indeed largely about you.
If this is the case, which now seems quite likely, my client was merely a whipping boy for your venting? That is not to say that my client is perfect, that he did not, or would not ever be disrespectful to you. The defenses’ case is that my client’s actions or lack of actions was not the primary cause your sense of disrespect— you came to the conversation with an intrinsic sense of self-disrespect. We have completed our case, that the primary, perhaps sole instigating cause of your feelings of disrespect was internal to your heart—not my client’s comments. The Defense rests.