I approach this blog very carefully and humbly. I have not been a victim of clergy abuse, so I do not have the same moral authority to speak on the topic as those who have been devastated by such crimes. I would say though, that I have had friendships and deep heart-level conversations with some who have been abused– it is an vile destructive evil. Having said that, I still would like to add my two cents– carefully and thoughtfully– I hope. I would like to say that I, for one, appreciate Pope Benedict’s bold words on July 19th in Australia where he proclaimed

“I am deeply sorry for the pain and suffering the victims have endured,” he said. “These misdeeds, which constitute so grave a betrayal of trust, deserve unequivocal condemnation. Those responsible for these evils must be brought to justice.”

He followed those comments up with a personal meeting with abuse victims. A very powerful symbolic gesture for all who can hear it. Though some have criticized the Pontiff’s words and subsequent meeting as mere staging, I take his words and symbolic actions at face value– and suggest that this is a historic statement of guilt and frustration by the Pontiff. It is a good step in the right direction.

So– now having said that, I have some respectful advice. Since Australia’s senior Roman Catholic cleric, Cardinal George Pell said that the Church was open to “constructive, practical” suggestions, I would like to formerly request that the Church further the steps taken and initiate an open Truth Commission, similar to bodies set up in South Africa to give victims of Apartheid a voice; and is in the plan for Canada to give voice to the abuse of First Nations persons there. The goal of the Clergy Abuse Truth Commission would be to give frustrated, hurt and confused victims a real public voice– a public forum where they could tell their story, they could cry, where they would be persons of honor– not dishonor. No lawyers, no legal wordplays. Just harsh honesty. If done transparently and well, this would no doubt continue the healing process for the individuals and hopefully the church. It would seem to be the right thing to do.

There are– no doubt — significant organization details that would have to be worked out– including somehow vetting the participants without dishonoring any… but still, this should be done.

I think that would be a very messy, heart wrenching event that could go on for certainly weeks– maybe months- -but on the other hand, it would be wildly pastoral and healing. Commissions could be set up in areas most hard pressed. I know of rampant historic clergy-abuse in California, Philadelphia, Boston, Ireland and of course Australia. It is the truth that sets a person free.

This would be a very Christ-like thing to do that would serve the larger Church of Jesus Christ well and begin to restore some of the lost trust, which all of our various denominations share. These commissions would not slur the reputations of the vast majority of good Priests– in fact, this would provide the stage for them to powerfully and compassionately step up and be the good shepherds they are for their flocks through the event.

I am not a victim of clergy abuse, but I do understand the processes of forgiveness and reconciliation. This would be an amazing thing. No one then could accuse the Church of doing too little too late, or using staging, or cheap words. I would even volunteer the assistance of the local church which I serve. The good news of Jesus is much bigger than all of the spiritual abuse that has ever occurred. There is powerful healing available for victims and perpetrators. Let’s enter into the severe healing process together.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my suggestion.

Respectfully,

Of course, I would love to hear the thoughts of victims of clergy and spiritual abuse as well. Does this sound like something that could bring you healing, hope and new life?

Check this out!

According to G. Irani and N. Funk, some Arabic communities in the Middle East still use the old fashion ways of working out a dispute. Not only does this model pre-date many of the cultures who are credited with discovering the Restorative Justice Movement, this communal model is very much in-line with the ancient Jewish approach as portrayed in the Old Testament, in particular during the High Holy Days of the Fall. Maybe there is an ancient bridge for peace in the Middle East that yet remains? This high community participation model is wildly different from the individualistic cognitive therapeutic model that reigns supreme in the West. There is much for us to learn here.

The historic Arabic forgiveness and reconciliation intervention approach to resolve both individual and groups conflicts is the sulh (settlement). The sulh is very public, inclusive of the whole affected community and is structured as a legal ceremony—complete with due diligence, trial, judge, plaintiff and defendant (Irani & Funk, 2002). In the sulh, both parties submit to the jurisdiction of the jaha, a team made up of wise and respected community leaders and elders. According to Islamic law, the sulh is legally binding upon the all of the participants. The sulh could be either “total” or “conditional”. The former officially ends all conflict as both parties resolve to end all disputes and not to hold any grudges in the future. The “conditional sulh” binds the parties to abide by a peace defined by specific conditions.

In the sulh, the family of the victim calls for a truce (hudna) and engages the jaha to accept the role of mediators. The jaha then engages in detailed fact-finding, interviews and other due diligence, defines the compensation (largely symbolic) from the offender’s family to the victim’s, and initiates the reconciliation ceremony, the musalah. The musalah typically takes place in the village square. The families of both the victim and offender line up on both sides of the road and exchange greetings; the latter offering apologies to the former.

Next, the two families shake hands, sealing the sulh settlement. It is often appropriate, as an act of atonement and humility, for the offender to directly approach the victim’s family. This is supervised by the jaha and is an important exercise of repentance and, on the other hand, of the capacity of the victim and family to forgive. Then it is not uncommon for the family of the victim to go to the family of the offender to receive a cup of bitter coffee—followed by a shared meal hosted by the offenders clan (Irani & Funk, 2002, pp. 24-26).

The goal of the sulh is not to punish the offender but to prevent escalation of dispute, restore dignity to the individuals who suffered loss, and most importantly, to restore peace and stability to the community.

[1] Irani, G., & Funk, N. (2000, August). Rituals of reconciliation: Arab-Islamic perspectives. Kroc Institute Occasional Paper #19:OP:2.

Western forgiveness intervention models (e.g., Worthington, Enright) are clearly ‘victim’ focused. Researches have found that unforgiving victims tend to suffer from maladies such as depression, heart issues, depression, etc. So intervention models were designed to bring some healing to the victim by cognitive therapy so that they can unilaterally ‘forgive’ the perpetrator. Facilitators have observed and published significant successes in victim healing. My problem with this approach is not that they are unsuccessful in what they attempt to accomplish. They appear to be quite helpful in facilitating some healing of specifically the victim– measurably so. My problem is that for the most part, the offender and the larger community are– for the most part, ignored. These models are highly individualistic and utilitarian.

In contrast, modern Jewish intervention models are ‘offender’ driven; emphasizing the offender’s “teshuvah” (i.e., the ‘process of return’). For forgiveness and reconciliation to take place, the offender must become worthy of forgiveness by means of apology, remorse, and restitution (if appropriate) before God and mankind. Per the respected writings on the topic by the 12th ct Rabbi Maimonides (Mishneh Torah), appropriate offender teshuvah must include (a) Acknowledgement that one has done something wrong, (b) Public confession of one’s wrongdoing to both God and the community, (c) Public expression of remorse, (d) [Public announcement of] the offender’s resolve not to sin in this way again, (e) Compensation of the victim for the injury inflicted accompanied by acts of charity to others, (f) Sincere request of forgiveness by the victim, (g) Avoidance of the conditions that caused the offense, and (h) Acting differently when confronted with the same situation.

Very interesting. Without at all discounting the healing successes of the western victim-focussed intervention models, I wonder if they are missing much of the healing value– and for that matter, the community building value to both the victim and the perpetrator that would be part of a broader forgiveness intervention model. What do you think?

I just finished reading William P. Young’s, ‘The Shack’ (Thanks Chris M. for the heads up). I highly recommend this provocative novel/allegory. It is about a father whose daughter is tragically kidnapped at a family vacation. The book offers a compassionate, very sensitive presentation of the wildly ranging emotional turmoil and mourning involved in such a vast loss— the feeling ’stuck’ in “The Great Sadness’. But it doesn’t stop there. It goes on to invite the father (and the reader) into a stunning healing journey that intimately involves the entirety of the Triune God.

How does a God-follower who has suffered such pain find the healing combination of a mercy/healing/forgiveness that does not treat justice lightly? Read ‘The Shack”.

“Mackenzie, Judgment is not about destruction, but about setting things right.”

Mack smiled, “I don’t feel stuck anymore.”

For many, the winter season can be a very dark time. The holidays with their high expectations of a bright star, joy and decorated sugar cookies can quickly end up with darkness, anger and Zoloft. Experts warn us of the phenomenon called Seasonal Affective Disorder (appropriately ‘SAD’ for short). Some call it the ‘Winter Blues’. This is of course only further bad news for those who already struggle with depression throughout the year. It happens in the darker days of winter when the days are short and the skies generally sunless—ugly cold overcast. SAD can deeply affect one’s emotions and lead to more serious depression—with subsequent longer-term negative consequences to relationships.

The latter is the prime concern of this blog; but that is not to in anyway make light of the personal costs and struggles of SAD on the individual directly affected. Not at all. I would point out that much has already been written on the care and maintenance specifically for SAD-ones. These articles are helpful and should be investigated. My concern in this blog is for the long term health of their community—husbands, wives, friends, families, co-workers, significant others.

So for the purpose of this blog we will just assume that SAD ‘is what it is’ and ‘it happens’! The SAD-one will ‘go dark’– but they can make a choice to ‘go dark well’ or not. These choices and actions that a SAD-one makes have longer term consequences to their community. SAD is what it is– of course—but there are things that can be done under the description of ‘going dark well’ that will minimize the holiday consequential damage to friends and family—and some things that would even build a stronger community. My question to you, SAD-one is this: How can the damage to your relationships be minimized this year?
1) Don’t isolate. Isolation is not your friend. Get opinions from doctors, friends, others who know what you are going through.
2) Be aware of going dark. This seems right doesn’t it? Ignorance is also not our friend in anyway. If it is dark outside, and the frenetic pressures of the holiday have ramped up—then it is safe to say that the stresses and the darkness could collide to create the perfect emotional storm—depression. Do yourself, friends and family a favor and look in the mirror. How’s it going?
3) Get some light. Go to Costco, or Walmart, or go online to Amazon and check out the technology that is readily available to bring more sunshine into your life in the comfort of your own bedroom. Verilux, NatureBright and others market a SAD light therapy device that in 15-30 minutes can give your body the equivalence to a day at the beach in bright sunshine. Many swear by these devices. Shop around—on-line process are between $100 and $200.
4) Go dark well. SAD is what-it-is and will happen whether we want it to or not. So now what? Hear this well. You do not have a free pass to drag people into your depression. There is no entitlement that allows you to do that carte blanche. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? I think that the ‘entitlement energy’ comes from your sense of internal ethics/morality which recognizes that what is happening to you is really not fair. You did nothing to deserve it—and it appears that you can do nothing to fix it. The balance scale in your heart says, ‘I am owed reparation’. Now it is a hop, skip and a jump to feel entitled then to put liens on the people who are closest to you. This will almost always be destructive to your relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, no doubt it is only in extreme pathological situations that subjects do this intentionally. It is more at the subconscious level. What occurs – sometimes subtly, other times more obviously, is that the SAD-one, energized by the sense of unfairness and the related sense of entitlement moves to draw others into their plight—shifting attention, conversation, actions to them and their needs. To put it in ‘Buberian’ terms, the relationship shifts from ‘I-Thou’ to ‘I-It’, or in the extreme, I. A vortex forms around the SAD-one that sucks all—willing or unwilling– toward the center. Please note that I am not in anyway suggesting that this is crazy or unnatural. In fact, I am suggesting that this is very normal to fallen humanity—we all do it. And yet it needs to be said that it can be quite destructive to relationships. There are consequences to these choices. This is not going ‘dark well’.

Sad-one, you no doubt really do feel anxious, lonely, afraid, hopeless, angry, abandoned, paranoid—in a word—dark. You probably also – again very human—really do feel a surge of powerful ‘entitlement-energy’ driving you to do whatever it takes to feel better somehow. But hear this, there is no entitlement given to you to do the latter. No permission is implicitly given to you to draw others—including loved ones—especially loved ones– into the unfair vortex—without their assent and permission.

How does this feel to your ‘others’? Often it can feel like they are being dangerously drawn down into a destructive vortex, a black hole—in which they are helpless to do what seems to be required of them. Often, when they observe your countenance, your movement toward or away from them, or the rhetoric which can sound ‘attacking’ or ‘blaming’, it would not be unreasonable for their fight-or-flight mechanisms to kick in– defenses go up, avoidance mechanisms begin in earnest. They move to fill the moat around them to make sure that their ‘stuff’ (value, worth, identity, time) is not depleted—that they are not treated with dishonor or unfairly—without permission. Let me put it in starker terms—they do whatever to guard themselves from being used and victimized by a friend.

Maybe you think that this is overstated. So let me put it in understated terms. They are not necessarily automatically drawn toward you. They often will feel uncomfortable, in danger, vulnerable, and would prefer to flee. NB- I am not justifying these actions at all. I am just observing that this would be all-too human reactions that would be natural consequences of unwanted relational demands by another; normal cause and effect. It spirals from there. There are consequences to their hesitancy or flight. You, the SAD-one would naturally feel even more dissed, or abandoned, or alone and unloved. The vortex only grows stronger and stronger in natural, normal—but destructive cause and effects. Sounds familiar?

This story line is played out in thousands of homes regularly during this season. Usually it is left there. The SAD eventually dissipates as the sun peaks out of the clouds. The person with the disorder begins to feel better about themselves and their world. They return to some normality as if leaving a dark musky cloud. But then they have to deal with the consequences of their choices during SAD—and the subsequent responses and counter responses of their ‘others’. Often they are surprised that their significant others are a bit distant, untrusting or even angry.

What is to be done to break such a destructive cycle? Choose now to heroically go dark well! I had a friend who went dark recently. She really did feel terrible; lonely, anxious, worried about life, and finances, children– life choices, past and present. She ended up dragging her husband into these poorly-timed heavy life discussions—implicitly demanding that he feel as anxious as her. When he didn’t respond in the way that she wanted, she became blaming and critical of him, recounting old sins and patterns, reminding him of his shortcomings—which were surprisingly all too clear to her in her SAD.

His response? He just wanted to escape the vortex– get away – to avoid conflict with her—to avoid her. So he quietly moved out to his X-Box to immerse in fantasy—it was much safer to become a Navy Seal and penetrate enemy lines on a suicide mission that to face her. Then – of course you could script the narrative, she felt more abandoned by him; unloved, lonely, etc. etc.

But this season, my SAD-one friend chose a different—far more heroic and loving path. It was clear to me that in addition to the SAD vortex energy, there was another energy working in her. This SAD-one was able to come clean to her husband verbally. She realized that she was not being objective, that it was not really all about him—that she really did love him and didn’t want to hurt him—even though she knew that she had said—and was thinking very hurtful things. Remember the Apostle Paul? The things that he wanted to do, he wasn’t doing. But the things that he didn’t want to do, those were the very things that he did. The SAD-one was able to verbalize this to her husband in the very midst of her emotional darkness. In one sense, this was very heroic—and in actuality, it was the right thing to do. She was doing what she could at the time to honor her husband—with no loss of honor for herself at all. It was a win-win. She was also able to recognize and verbalize just how her twisted sense of ‘entitlement’ was actively fighting against her vulnerability. His momentum in response to her vulnerability was remarkable. He was immediately drawn toward her—which by the way was her original goal in the first place. SAD-one, choose to go dark well.

5) Go light well. When the disorder finally fade away, own up to anything that has been done or said that could be dishonoring to your significant others. There are legitimate consequences to acting out. There is also no entitlement to escape consequences for the way that you went dark. Now in the light, effort must be made to invest in your relationship—expecting that some trust needs to be rebuilt. If there is any entitlement, it could be argued that your significant other is entitled to apologies, reparation, and restitution. In the highest sense, God is accountable for your SAD. But you are accountable for your actions and choices during SAD. There is no free pass. Remember, any foundations that are repaired or built now will be of immense value to you next year! You really do want someone with you who truly trusts you during the next SAD.

It seems that I am putting a great deal of the burden for ‘going dark well’ on the shoulders of the one with the disorder. I am—at least in this particular blog. Why? Largely because so much has been written on the role of the ‘others’—and such little ink has been spilt speaking to the SAD-one. We naturally want to feel compassion for them—it is unfair that they go through this. We feel helpless to break the stronghold of the disorder. We don’t want to put any more burden on them. But having said that—people must make choices in their lives under tough conditions. SAD-ones can’t choose whether to go dark or not—that decision seems to be made for them—but they can and must choose whether to go dark well or not.

For Christians, such humility and vulnerability is a powerful grace—not intrinsic to the human heart– but powerfully and readily available through the Holy Spirit in them. Such movement – heroic movement toward honoring others—is also a powerful Spirit fruit—also wildly available by grace through faith. Heroic actions on the behalf of others while hanging upon one’s inevitable cross is God’s nature—always. So here is my last word to SAD-ones. You have—along with your ugly cross—the invitation to present a powerful testimony of the present value of the blood of Christ for the world to see. If by grace you are willing to give up your sense of entitlement– to love and honor others when every iota of your flesh is crying out that you are entitled—then you are exhibiting a very powerful, beyond human power. SAD-brothers, SAD-sisters, speak the gospel loudly to us.

I am reading a very insightful book by Terry Hargrave, Families and Forgiveness: Healing Wounds in the Intergenerational Family (New York:Brunner/Mazel Publishers, 1994). Very insightful and on point with the philosophy held by this website.

It is particularly helpful to help us understand why so often our high expectations of wonderful romantic family Holiday gatherings don’t materialize. Hargrave would say that affected families have lost interpersonal ‘trustworthiness’.

When people engage in relationships that have a balanced give-and-take between relational entitlements and obligations, this innate sense of justice is satisfied. Balance between give and take over a period of time produces a sense of trustworthiness in the relationship. At its basic foundation, a trusting relationship provides security that individuals will receive what they deserve in the relationship without having to threaten, manipulate, or retaliate and the freedom to contribute and given the relationship without fear or apprehension.(24)

Meaning that for many, maybe most families, there has been a history of interpersonal imbalance that has robbed the family of the security which intimacy requires. Maybe over the years dad didn’t tell his children that he loved them– leaving them thinking that they had been robbed of something. Maybe mom harbored fears of failing and struggled with finances jumping on anyone who in her opinion spent too much on stuff. Maybe one partner felt that they had carried more than their share of the burden. Maybe there were harmful secrets that held power. So when this family gathers around the Christmas tree with expectations of joy, and fun, and family memories, the hypocrisy of the situation bubbles up– reminders of just how far from the Currier and Ives romantic print this family is– which bubbles up resentment, anger, etc. So you can imagine the mixed messages that come from gifts. I can recall a time when my heart puked out such a powerful thought. I don’t even recall what the person gave me, but what came out of my heart was this– “Sure you want to look gracious and thoughtful now, but what about when you….!!! Am I just supposed to forget the things that you said then?” Fortunately I didn’t really say these words out loud. But the point is that I could not trust their generosity in the light of my perception of their history of ungenerosity. No joy from their gift. No intimacy. Just an awkward gathering.

When there is a consistent or severe imbalance in this relational give-and-take, individuals feel that they either have been cheated by or have over benefited from relationships. Instead of their being a balance that builds trustworthiness in a relationship, trust is drained and the members of the relationship feel that their just entitlement is threatened. Instead of providing individuals freedom to give and security to receive, the relationships becomes an unstable arena with a dog-eat-dong quality, where individuals strive only to secure their own entitlement. It is again the innate sense of justice that sets individuals in the relationship on this self-justifying claim toward securing compensation for their just entitlement.

This ‘destructive entitlement’ manifests itself in so many ways including: paranoid attitudes (they are out to get me, to destroy me), hostility, rage, emotional cutoffs, irresponsible behavior (getting drunk, driving under the influence, drugs, saying inappropriate things), and destructive harm to others.

Look, this Christmas perhaps the first step is to just see it for what it is. Here is where healing can begin starting Dec 26th. Jesus has come to bring peace– an external gift from His hands. Jesus is all about rebuilding the dismantled past. He brings with Him all of the entitlements actually due me, no matter how large and over what period of time. Imagine! That would be Noel!

My best friend of sixteen years, Sam, and I have shared many secrets. I recently told her that my husband Jeff was not the true father of our 4yr old son Timothy. I explained to her that as his god-mother I felt she deserved to know. My husband knows that he is not Timothy’s father, yet he chose to stay with me and take care of him as if he were. He was able to forgive me for cheating on him and still raise my son as if he were his own. I have always been grateful for that. I explained all of this to Sam and she seemed OK with it. She told me she always suspected and was waiting for me to tell her, but other than that she seemed OK with it. I asked her not to say a word to anyone, and she promised me that she wouldn’t. I thought after 16yrs of friendship I would be able to trust her. Sam was the only person outside of my fa mily that I trusted with Tim’s secret. Several months past since I told her and I recently found out that she told her husband about Tim and Jeff. Her husband is Timothy’s god-father and a close friend of Jeff’s. One night Jeff comes storming in to the house drunk, and starts screaming at me. He called me a “good for nothing whore” and said “you can’t keep your legs closed, how could I expect you to keep your mouth closed.” I tried to calm him down, so he could tell me what was going on. He told me that Sam told her husband everything about Tim. I couldn’t believe it. I trusted her with a secret that could have very-well torn my family apart, and she turned around and told her husband. I understand that he is a mutual friend of the family and as the god-father he has a right to know as well, but she had no right to say anything. I haven talked to her once since that incident happened. She has tried to contact me and apologize, but I told her I can not forgive her for what she did. She violated my trust and our friendship. It was not her place to say anything. She had absolutely nothing at all to gain. She explained to me that she is stressed because she thinks she might be pregnant and it slipped out while her and her husband were talking about the baby. I find it hard to ever forgive Sam for what she did. I do not care about her reasons. Reasoning does not change the fact that she did it. Although she has assured me that she will not tell anyone; I find it hard to believe her or forgive her. I have told her we can no longer be friends after such a betrayal of trust. Although, no real harm was done; My family does know what happened and my husband is still going to be a part of Timothy’s life. As far as I am concerned Jeff is Timothy’s father, and nothing is going to change that. We have decided not to tell Timothy anything about his real father because he is still young. We are still not even sure if we are going to tell him at all. What is the point in confusing him if he already has a great father in his life? I have not spoken to Sam in weeks. Should I forgive her and salvage our friendship? Or should I continue to ignore her? What is the right thing to do?

Story Shared by “School Girl”

I was talking to someone this AM and mentioned that I really don’t think I hold many grudges. I did once hate someone who undermined my work in a terrible way but I’ve gotten over it. I guess I used to hate my father, but later in life grew pretty fond of him. Probably hated my first wife, but I don’t think I do any more. But I also think that perhaps it has to do with my bad memory; and that my memory isn’t particularly visual, so I just don’t relive hurts and can’t even remember many of them. However, I just wonder if this is really indifference rather than forgiveness. This is something I want to think about.

1. What was done to me?
At 52, I had worked for myself in some way, shape or form for the better part my 30 years in Marketing. After an inconsistent, but overall, successful career, my consulting business was on a huge upswing. My partner, however, represented a much more significant downside. Having been in both successful and unsuccessful partnerships before, I knew we were headed for big trouble after six months and suggested we employ a counselor to help us work through our difficulties. When he refused to get help from a third party, I knew it was only going to get worse. From then on we communicated almost entirely in writing because we hated talking to each other, as well as for documentation purposes, both sensing the inevitable. I hung in there as long as possible for the money, which I considered prudent in the wake of a long down-turn that lasted nearly six years. When my ‘partner’ began cutting himself checks I had no choice but to file an injunction to strip him of his power in the business. After almost four years of horrendous litigation, culminating in a five day Federal jury trial, which I ‘won’ on many counts of my partner’s Breech of Fiduciary Duties, the aforementioned inevitable has been worse than I could have ever imagined. I developed Acute Coronary Syndrome in the middle of it all, requiring emergency surgery. My preoccupation with the lawsuit has been nothing short of devastating emotionally to the extent to which I recently (11-24-06) wound up an inpatient in [a] Clinic, a Psychiatric Hospital. I spent five days in a locked-down unit being treated for suicidal and homicidal tendencies resulting from Severe Recurrent Major Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from the lawsuit. A recovering alcoholic, the good news is I didn’t drink; hence, remain sober since 5-25-98. I just finished participating in [a] Clinic’s Partial Inpatient Program (9 AM-3 PM, five days a week) for nine days and have begun After Care with both a Counselor and a Psychiatrist with whom I’ll be meeting weekly for an indefinite period of time. The following was done to me (From Pastor Bill’s list: Physical Harm, Hatred, Betrayal, Robbery, Abuse, Gossip, Slander, Criticism, Judgment, Breech of Contract, Abandonment, Negligence, Loss of consortium, Lie, Infliction of emotional distress, Withholding love, Deception, Disobedience, Embarrassment, Treating indifferently, Break word, Anger).

2. What was taken from me?
The following is taken from Pastor Bill’s list: Created the loss of Material, Opportunity, Reputation ,Livelihood, Hope, Confidence, Self-respect, Trust in others, sense of empowerment, sense of value, identity, reputation, comfort, health, wholeness, peace, sense of control,sense of safety, ability to make sense out of the world,ability to love others, ability to be vulnerable, joy, happiness, friends, family, past way of life, autonomy, meaning and purpose. Created the presence of Nightmares, questioning God’s power, His love, His goodness, cynicism, Shame, insecurities, New fears, feeling dirty, feeling unattractive, feeling unlovable, feeling unloving, desire for vengeance, anger, depression, despair, Guilt, Ambivalence, rage, Hope. My partner refusing to communicate with me robbed me of hope to ever be successful in business again. Since that was where almost all of my self-worth lie, I was, once again, leveled emotionally– no, this time, I was at less than zero emotionally and soon, mentally, physically and spiritually. . In retrospect it was as if God let me taste ‘The Good Life’ one last time to make me realize that it wasn’t good at all — at least not for me.

3. How much was this worth?
Monetary $3,000,000 based on lost wages since 2003 and until age 65 ($240,000/year), $1,000,000 paid in one initial lump sum and then the rest paid monthly.

What do I want the Perpetrator to do?
Punishment? My partner would create a blog at his expense explaining the truth I great detail - from initial discussions to become partners through the trial to the present. He would mail (all forms) a list of people provided by me, an overview of the truth with a link to the blog dedicated to a detailed description. He would, then, follow up personally via the phone and in-person, at my discression, to apologize for harming them. He would make formal apologies in-person to me and my family televised for the world to see in an expose of what malicious litigation can do to a family.

4. Mourn the Loss

5. Access Deep Consolation (Fairy Tale Ending)

The Next Beatle
What was done to me?
I was probably 12 years old. I had been learning the guitar on my own. I had a Learn the Guitar record and had it on the Sear’s record player in my room. I didn’t want to go ‘public’ until I thought I was pretty good. I had the basic 4 or so chords down pretty well for a beginner and started learning Puff the Magic Dragon (this was a few years before Smoke on the Waters). When I thought that it was time, OK I’ll admit it, with visions of being another Beatle going through my head, I went to play for my parents. I don’t remember exactly what their reaction was, but it was less than encouraging. There was some chuckling under their breath, but not officially mocking, or dismissal– at least not directly– mainly there just was silence. What was noticeable to my insecure little heart was the absence of what I needed. There was no excitement, no encouragement, no ‘you’ve got some natural talent!’, no ‘let’s call our friends!’. All of my insecurities flared–and there were a lot. What was done to me?
If I had to choose from the list of what was done to me, it would be a withholding of honor. It would’t have cost the folks much to act excited at my attempts at playing the guitar.

What was taken from me?
It sounds so petty. I am not talking about being sexually molested here. But I grew up with lots of insecurities about public speaking and performance, even about achieving success. Someone might say, ‘Get over it. Move on with your life, Bub!’ I have. I am not in depression over this. I am a successful person in my field. I even kept up with the guitar–wrote some songs (one I sold to a band). I play as part of a church worship team. But I know that I play with loads of insecurities. I was even asked to try out to be a part of a neighborhood band. I just couldn’t. I wonder what might have been different if my parents had just given me the honor that was really due a child? What was taken? Maybe it was the freedom to be expressive.

How much was this worth?
Wow. This is hard. What is the loss revenue of the fifth Beatle? Just kidding. I will say that to me the value has to be in the millions. I lost many opportunities to be expressive, creative, bold in public. Honestly, I would love my folks to just admit it to me. But to tell the truth, they don’t even remember the event at all. That is the way this works a lot. The victim is the one who carries the memory of the event. It just wasn’t a big deal at all to my parents. I need to forgive. You are right when you describe this as a lingering debt that I just can’t get rid of. It would be great to have the debt finally paid. It is sad to think how my life might have been different.

anonymous