Though I am not a Jew I have gained an appreciation for the Jewish religious season that we have just now completed. For a Jew, there is no time of the year more important than the High Holy Days (HHDs)– beginning at the blowing of the shophar at Rosh Hashanah (Sept 13) and culminating in the grand party of Sukkoth (Sept 15-Oct 3).

It seems to me that at the very heart and soul of the HHDs is God’s awareness that we humans just can’t get along—not with each other, not with Him. The Jew annually comes relationally dysfunctional and ideally leaves the HHDs in shalom with God, with spouses, friends, even enemies. I wonder if this celebration is one of the reasons that the Jewish people have maintained such a strong unity as a people even in the midst of such severe persecution. I think so.

Here is how I (admittedly a gentile) see the HHDs going down. Rosh Hashanah is the due diligence exercise. The Jew has 10 days to catalogue everything they did wrong in the last 12 months—and to make them right. This is the time for serious heart-work. This is the season of apologies, reparation and hopefully forgiveness. What’s the rush? At Yom Kippur, everyone stands in front of God to be tried for all of their thoughts words and deeds. If there are no unresolved issues, God proclaims them ‘righteous’. If there are unresolved issues, God declares them ‘wicked’ (technically meaning that they are community killers!).

Well this is genius! Look, lets face it—who among us, Jew or Gentile would be declared by the all-knowing God completely ‘right’? I don’t suspect that God grades on a curve like my 10th grade physics teacher. So this is the great humiliating ‘equalizer’. Everybody is declared – “Community killer”. It is my personal experience that people in ugly relationships readily see the ‘other’ as being ‘community killer’. But rarely do they see themselves as ‘community killer’ as well (in spite of the obvious anger, hatred, even vengeance!).

But then something remarkable happens. Everybody helplessly sits back – all declared failures and watch as God Himself pays for all of their crimes—at a great cost. He underwrites the ‘straightening’ of what the participants had bent. Then the High Priest waves his hands and declares, ‘Let this be forgiveness to you!’ Wow!

Now the Jew has 10 days to absorb the holy drama. For in 10 days—Sukkoth happens. At Sukkoth, all Jews party as one in shalom! We have the expression, to ‘kiss and make up’. This is a much larger version of that.

Isn’t this stunning? Every year, every Jew focuses on the healing of relationships. Every year, every Jew is declared a failure in their ability to love others. Every year they get a HHD re-do, underwritten and purchased by God.

I like it! It strikes me that this at the very heart of our weekly High Holy ‘Day’. We God-followers- too - come willingly, relationally dysfunctional, needy with great expectation to our Lord’s Table—His Yom Kippur and Sukkoth combined. Our hope is that we can access the power of God by faith to heal us and our community weekly—so that we can this week go and love ‘others’. It is better good news than we ever thought!

Do you mean that it is more than a day off of school? Oh yes. This is the season in the Jewish calendar that is brilliant and potentially very powerful, community shaping and healing. Maybe – just maybe—this is one of the reasons that the Jewish community has survived and thrived over the millennia amid stiff oppression.

Rosh Hashanah is best known to we gentiles as the Jewish New Year. But if we only knew. It is nothing at all like the narcissistic individualistic New Years of the west. We can only recommit ourselves to individual self-improvement resolutions that last maybe a month—OK maybe a week.

For the Jew, this season is far more than that. This is a time for each pious Jew to get a spiritual, emotional, and relational re-do. Let’s face it, who has not screwed things up in the last month, much less year? I certainly have. Some of my bonehead actions and choices have been destructive to not only me but to friends and family. I can really try to make things right—but that is very hard to do often. That is the point of this blog site. Reconciliation is tough—real tough. Cheap forgiveness comes pretty easy—but an experience of the real McCoy is rare and hard to come by.

Imagine with me a time when an entire family, or community all come together committed to making things right for all unresolved issues of the previous year. This is the apparent goal for all Jews all over the globe each year at this time! Imagine the possibilities. I am not aware of anything remotely like this in my western European individualistic culture and mentality. Maybe there would be something among some First Nations peoples or maybe something from Asian cultures perhaps.

The event begins annually on the 1st of Ellul (August 15th this year) and continues through Rosh Hashanah (Sept. 13th) to the eve of Yom Kippur (Sept 22). Each Jew is to explore the ways that they have hurt others, robbed, gossiped, slandered, showed disrespect, etc. and do ‘teshuvah’ (deep repentance). Teshuvah involves not only the important asking for forgiveness, but also making reparation—paying any debt, making things right.

But reconciliation is two-way. For the community to experience a renewed shalom, there must also be forgiveness from the victim. At the end of the 10 days—just before sunset—just before the Yom Kippur, in many modern Jewish communities they say a wrap-up prayer similar to this,

I hereby forgive all who have hurt me, all who have done me wrong, whether deliberately or by accident, whether by word or deed, May no one be punished on my account. And I forgive and pardon fully those who have done me wrong, may those whom I have harmed forgive and pardon me, whether I acted deliberately or by accident, whether by word or deed. I am now ready to fulfill the commandment of “to love my neighbor as myself.

Imagine the possibilities if these prayers were really meant? Suspend your cynicism and resistance to this for a moment. Sure, these are mere words, but imagine if it was real. Not just you meaning this, but those around you—those you hurt this year, those who hurt you. Imagine the Judge God waving His hand over the community and saying, “It is finished!” Imagine the healing in the community. Imagine the healing between that community and others around it? Imagine starting each year with a re-do. Relationships which had degraded through increasingly entrenched negative feelings and anger –defused— and injected with a powerful new start?

For the Jew, this is a very serious exercise. Why? Because Rabbis teach that there are consequences—serious ones for not pulling this off. It is understood that annually on Yom Kippur (The Day of Payment) that God rises to the bench as the Judge of the Universe and opens the trial of each man’s heart. If they have no unresolved crimes, they are declared ‘tsaddiq- righteous’ and are blessed with a year of life. If there are any unresolved crimes, crimes that are not fully repented of, or not fully forgiven, then the person is declared ‘rasha’(-wicked)’—and are dealt a year of death.

I have been on board with the ritual up to this point. Here is my question to the Rabbis. Who pulls this off to the point that God says—“That’s good enough!” Who is tsaddiq? Or what can be said if everyone is annually found ‘rasha’-guilty?

January 1, 2004
(originally printed in the Intelligencer (Doylestown Pa))

Its time to come clean! …

The Roman Catholic Chuch and in particular the Archdioceses of California are at a severe cross-roads. The good news is that it is not too late to do the right thing.

Dec 31, 2003 was the last day that Californians could file molestation lawsuits against the Roman Catholic Dioceses of California. According to Associated Press report (Dec 30, 2003), the flood of litigation has come as the courts lifted for one year the statute of limitations for older molestation lawsuits—resulting in as many as 750 new lawsuits. What is the response of the Diocese? Attorneys for the church say that it is

“unfair to dust off allegations after the passage of so much time—in one case, more than 70 years.”

Archdiocese spokesman Tod Tamberg said the law had made the church vulnerable to ‘some claims that are demonstrably false’.

Now perhaps, in a cold courtroom context, it is unfair to the accused to attempt to defend 70 year old accusations. But my problem with the comments is that these matters should never have been delayed in the first place! Biblically, ethically and morally, whether crimes were committed yesterday or 70 years ago, the church had an ongoing obligation to investigate charges thoroughly…

For a church that supposedly believes in the radical power of Christ to bring experiential justice for all victims, it is absurd to choose a lesser strategy of hiding behind legal debate and nuances. In my life I have seen a number of sexual abuse victims enter paths of powerful healing and reconciliation–never as a direct result of court settlements—no matter how liberal. Ultimately, any in or out-of-court ‘payoffs’ can actually become a further form of victimization. The victims are far too valuable and too much was taken from them to ever be paid back.

It is significant that no one for the Archdiocese is arguing that none of the molestation claims are real. It is not a question of ‘if’ the crimes happened in California, but ‘how many times”. God help us! Whether 750 people were molested or even one—these are horrible crimes that the church should have been aggressively pursuing with all energies—no matter how long ago the reported abuses took place—no matter what the cost. So where are the public confessions? Where are the public validations of the crimes against the victims? How dare anyone related to the church of Jesus Christ argue that ‘some claims are demonstrably false’. Even if there was only one single case of child abuse by any priest or staff, that should have been enough for a deep repentant public coming-clean.

For the good of the victims, the victim’s families and communities, the church should have immediately and willingly sought to expose all crimes publicly—resisting any smell of a cover-up. The guilty should have come clean and openly repented, been officially disciplined and de-frocked; police investigators brought in to consider appropriate legal charges. Then the church could have honestly focused on the healing of the victims.

Any cover up—any delay—any blameshifting or shielding of the perpetrators is ‘anathema’. These only further victimize the individuals. Functionally, the church by doing these proclaims a very impotent gospel—and further loses any credibility. This is a tragic sign of the ongoing secularization of the church.

But, having said all of this, it is not too late for the California Dioceses and the RCC as a whole to gird their loins and do the right thing. They can take massive baby steps to finally honor victims even after all these years.

To the perpetrators—No matter what legal advice you are being given—it is time to come clean. Act out of your belief in the gospel, in the finished work on Jesus Christ for all your sins and come clean. Publicly admit what horrific crimes that you perpetrated against helpless children. Whether it was yesterday or 70 years ago—it doesn’t really matter. Why do you have to wait for the courts to decide? Confess! Likewise, you priests, officials and staff who furthered the abuse through indifference, denial and cover-up—it is time for you too to come clean….

Preach the gospel boldly by your actions. Wasn’t it Francis of Assisi who said “Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words.”

July 16 2007

This week the Los Angeles Catholic archdiocese agreed to settle out of court with the more than 500 victims of clergy abuse. The settlement amounts to over $660 million; so with $264 million of legal fees etc., each victim should get on average $1.3 million.

Yesterday, Cardinal Roger Mahoney offered an apology.

“There really is no way to go back and give them that innocence that was taken from them…The one thing I which I could give victims, I cannot.”

He was referring to the ability to restore victims to pre-crime innocence.

As part of the settlement the church must release the priest’s confidential personnel files; so victims should prepare themselves for future bombshells no doubt—perhaps evidence of other victims, or cover-ups, etc. One suspects that Mary Grant, the spokesperson for the Survivor Network of Those Abused by Priest, was mildly prophetic when she said, “This is not over.”

Cardinal Mahoney, so much more than innocence was taken from the victims. The ability to have a childlike trust in authority, in particular the trust in spiritual leadership was robbed from these precious ones. The important image of God as a good father was horribly tainted and corrupted. Their desire and ability to be vulnerable in future relationships and in particular intimate ones has been stripped from them. They will have severe identity struggles—am I an object of value, or of trash? No one should have to experience that path.

They will struggle with trust, with fear, with anger, with feeling dirty, soiled, fragmented. These will struggle to enter faith communities of any kind. They will have new protective boundaries that surround – sometime strangle– their hearts and souls. Participating in Mass/Communion will be wildly ambivalent, emotions raging and swinging from indifference to pain. In so many ways, they have been robbed of the human ability to access God’s power through the means of grace allotted to the church.

For what it is worth, it is my settled opinion that this tragedy was not handled well by the archdiocese at all. See my letter to the archdiocese from months ago also posted on the blog sight (’[It’s Time to Come Clean’-Reprint from 1/2004).

Now having said all of that, let me offer good news for the victims of the abuse, and not only this abuse but religious abuse of all stripes from all denominations and religions. Clearly, this is not merely a Catholic problem. Or a Christian problem. Sexual abuse is unfortunately far too common to our race.

So here is the good news!

Victim, there will come a time when you finally will have your trial. It will be before an objective Judge who knows everything that went down. He is not confused by the cover-up or nuances of the law. He is not impressed by slick lawyers. He is perfectly and objectively just. He also knows perfectly the value of what was taken. He knows. He knows the debt that you felt, what was taken from you—and all of the consequences—the ongoing costs of the crime.

There will come a time when you will stand before Him as the plaintiff of great honor (not just one of many bundled in a class action suit) and will be given voice to cry out, to languish, to vent, to express your pain and loss, to accuse in anger. This God/Judge will give you voice (See Revelation 6:10 for an example of heavenly testimony) because you are not merely a nuisance, but an image of the Judge Himself. Then God will issue a perfect verdict. He will point His Holy, holy, holy finger at the perpetrator and proclaim with the same voice that originally spoke into the chaos and say, “Guilty!”

But victim—here is the really good news. Cardinal Mahoney was correct. He doesn’t have the power to restore things to pre-crime status. But this Celestial Shepherd Judge does and will. Victim, no matter who you are, what you believe, or frankly what you have done—hear this good news. You will be perfectly made whole—the years the locusts (or abusers) have eaten will be restored—to your full satisfaction. You will be made so whole that you will say, “I have been fully paid back for all losses!” The Judge’s decision of the $1.3 million dollars was only a first fruit of that. So much more than that was taken. You are an image bearer of God Himself and therefore a masterpiece. This is a mere pittance of what true heavenly Justice will require to fill the gaping whole of your soul—to still the pain. In fact, cash settlements, as helpful as they are, really only devalue victims further. God has deep, deep pockets filled with the stuff that your soul is most deeply longing for. You will be filled with such things as ‘glory’ ‘substance’ ‘peace’ ‘joy’, ‘the height and length and width and depth of the love of Christ’. There is still hope for you in the promises of God. You will be restored by God Himself—He promises (Ex 34:6ff). No crime will go unpunished.

Do I have to wait? No! Biblically, you don’t have to wait. God has provided a way—a portal, an access point today for you by faith. In Christ, through the Holy Spirit you can begin to powerfully access this future promise now. That is what this blog is all about. Come into the forgiveness labyrinth today. Linger.

It seems to me that the California out of trial settlement offers you good news and bad news. The euphoria of the settlement is now present, but it will be displaced by the sadness and despair—when the victims realize that it didn’t really scratch the itch. No doubt so much hope was put on the trial to set the victims free from the pain so that they could finally, after so many years begin the rest of their lvies. “Now I can gird my loins and get on with my life!” But the pain, the devaluing and all of the consequences of that are still there. Your hope – your present hope of beginning real healing is not in the money, but in the power of the love of Christ. Check out Eph 3:14ff. Access by faith the fullness of God.

My prayers are with you in this journey.

PB

Who can’t relate to this? I mean if you have ever taken clothes to dry cleaners, you probably have lost some clothes. Or at least was afraid that they would lose them. All you have to prove your loss is a measly claim ticket—which I for one, keep losing. When that happens, you feel betrayed, vulnerable, helpless really. It is the same feeling that you get when an airline loses your luggage, or when a natural disaster destroys items valuable to you.

Something has been taken from you and a debt has been incurred. You – your heart demands restitution, restoration—things put back the way they were. You have lost an item of clothes certainly—but you have lost more than that. It is difficult to quantify—but you know something else has been taken. A good Judge – and wise judicial system is designed and empowered to help the victim and the community quantify the loss.

This is what this site is all about. Forgiveness is a function of debt consolation. And so the strange trial between Judge Roy L. Pearson (Plaintiff) and Soo Chung et al. (Defendants) is perfect to communicate how justice should work in real life.

Here is the official description in the court documents themselves, from the Superior Court of the District of Columbia, Civil Division, Docket No. 05 CA 4302 B Calendar 7 Judge Bartnoff

FINDINGS OF FACT AND CONCLUSIONS OF LAW
This case has its origin in a dispute between plaintiff Roy Pearson and defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung over a pair of allegedly missing pants. The defendants own Custom Cleaners, a dry cleaning store on Bladensburg Road, NE, within walking distance of the plaintiffs home. Mr. Pearson claims that he took his pants to Custom Cleaners for alterations in May 2005, that the defendants lost his pants, and that they then attempted to substitute another pair of pants for his. The defendants deny the plaintiffs allegations, and they insist that the pants they attempted to return to him—which he has refused to accept—are the pants that he brought in to be altered.
Mr. Pearson also claims that a “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign that, until recently, was displayed in Custom Cleaners was an unconditional warranty that required the defendants to honor any claim by any customer, without limitation, based on the customer’s determination of whatever would make that customer “satisfied.” According to the plaintiff, the defendants did not honor and had no intention of honoring that purported unconditional guarantee of satisfaction to their customers, which he contends is an unfair trade practice under the Consumer Protection Procedures Act, B.C. Code § 28-3901 et seq. (”CPPA”), on several grounds.
In Count One of his Amended Complaint, the plaintiff alleges, based on the “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign and on his claims regarding his pants, that each of the three defendants is liable to him for seven different violations of the CPPA, for every day Custom Cleaners was open over a period of several years.’ He also alleges common law fraud, based on the “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign (Count Two).2 In addition, the Amended Complaint asserts a claim for conversion or negligence, relating to the pants (Count Three), and a claim for injunctive relief under the CPPA, regarding the “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and “Same Day Service” signs (Count Four). The plaintiff is seeking statutory, compensatory and punitive damages. He also is seeking attorney’s fees, to which he claims to be entitled under the CPPA because he is an attorney who is representing himself in this action. He has presented various calculations of damages that go as high as $67 million.

From Judge Pearson’s perspective a debt was incurred. We can begin our due diligence there. What was taken? At face value, a pair of pants was lost. He had trusted the Chungs with his pants to alter them (to improve them) and then to return them in a timely manner. They failed in their commitment. At face value then, the debt was the value of the pants (lets say $150). Also since the pants were part of a suit (and upon investigation the suit line was discontinued) the defendants arguably were liable for replacing the entire suit (lets say $1100—a very expensive suit).

But more was taken. The Judge’s trust was betrayed. He had placed his trust in an institution that guaranteed their trustworthiness and they had betrayed that trust. This is difficult to enumerate, but we have all experienced betrayal. It leaves a wound. It has taken something—a sense of peace, or willingness to trust—to be vulnerable. OK I know we are speaking about pants—not a rape, or a robbery at gun point—but generically they are on the same scale. While our human judicial institutions hesitate putting dollar amounts on this debt, it is real. So in one sense, we must be empathetic to the victim. Biblically, more than a pair of pants was taken from Judge Pearson. The good news of the Bible is that God promises to all involved that there will come a time where the perfect all seeing judge will perfectly measure all losses, including the ‘soft’ ones. He will not stop there. He will then perfectly proclaim perfect judgment, the perpetrators condemned (perfectly according to objective law—no more—no less); and then, God Himself will fully restore all losses. Judge Pearson, this is for you—you will ultimately be made whole.

So does all of that add up to $67 million of ‘statutory, compensatory and punitive damages’? The Trial Judge certainly didn’t think so.

One suspects that there is a bigger context to this legal fight. Sure enough. This was not the first time that the Chungs had lost pants. Reportedly, in 2002, they paid a check to Judge Pearson for $150 for losing a pair of his pants then. Subsequently, they tried to refuse service to the Judge, requesting that he take his business elsewhere. Reportedly, they backed off when he threatened them with a law suit. Clearly the $67 million figure has a history.

In addition, by the time of the second ‘pantsing’, the Judge was on hard times. He had been unemployed for about 3 years, was going through a difficult divorce, was required to write his former wife a check for $12,000, had pegged out on his credit cards and to top it off, had put on a bit of weight so that his former suits didn’t fit him anymore. His life was about to turn around – having just been appointed Judge—a new lease on life—when this last event occurred. He wanted to report to work for the first time with a well fitting crisp suit. This was an important event. He brought his pants to the Chungs to be let out. This was far more important to him than just any day at the cleaners. This personally very important. They said that the pants would be ready by the day he was to report to work and tragically, the pants got lost. In the trial transcripts, we are not told what pants Pearson wore on his first day at his brand new all-important job. But you can imagine to some degree how he felt. Embarrassment, feeling like there is a celestial target on his back, feeling like a victim. I feel for this guy. It is clear from the transcripts that the Chungs were not the most compassionate or empathetic of defendants. There was of course cultural and language barriers—and of course there is the matter of history from the Chungs perspective (Pearson has already cost them $150 and threatened a law suit three years earlier). I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t treat him with at least some disdain.

But to their credit, they did try to settle with Pearson; first for $3,000, then for $4,600 and finally for $12,000. I admit that I am not familiar with the entire case, or any of the parties involved, but it seems to me that $12,000 and an official apology would be more than reasonably pay for the debts (hard and soft) incurred by the Judge—that is unless there were pride or vengeance issues.
Forgive my armchair speculations. I fully admit that I am a distant observer, but find this a fascinating example of the nuances of the justice/forgiveness process. A good judge should be wise enough to accurately determine what the debt was, who caused it and what restoration satisfies the debt. The goal of a wise and good judge (Biblically speaking) is not just resolution of debts, but ultimately reconciliation. There has been a rip in the community—bad will. The Biblical good judge would prioritize healing the gaping wound. It is clear that this is not on the radar screen of the Superior Court of DC.
And so the wounds go on wounding. There will no doubt be an appeal. More money out, more media frenzy. Pride, anger, frustration, vengeance, disregard for the humanity of both parties. There is only dishonoring of men and women—image bearers of God to whom honor is do. There is no real hope of real Biblical consolation this side of heaven—only a final settlement with which neither party can really be happy with. Ironically, there is talk that Pearson’s antics may ultimately cost him the very job that he needed the pants for in the first place. While I do feel sorry for the man, it is apparent that he is more angry than wise—and therefore should not be on the bench.

This is beyond nuts. The vast majority of North America (reportedly) cringed to hear that Paris Hilton is out! “Injustice!” some cried. “Favoritism”, moaned others. “Unfair!” “She isn’t getting what she deserved!”

Listen, don’t get me wrong. I agree that this is just one more occasion for us to be slapped in the face by the far too many dysfunctions of our justice system. Now, having said that, it is the goal of this blog to ask other questions—questions that should be obvious to us—intuitive—but are not.

Here is my question. What was the expected or prescribed role of the judicial system in the Paris Hilton case? What was our goal anyway? What would the system look like if it were really ‘just’?

It was a traffic violation—driving on a suspended license that we are talking about. It was a flagrant violation to be sure—but it was after all a traffic violation. I wonder if something else is going on in our combined souls.

Down deep, behind all of our self-righteous cries, maybe, just maybe, what we were really hoping for was finally, Paris punished for being rich and spoiled? For her ungratefulness and lack of humility. I wonder if we are objective anyway. But heres the thing. We don’t punish people for being spoiled in the US. We actually allow people the freedom to be dysfunctional—and if we were honest— all of us freely use that freedom. I wonder how much of our moral outrage is really petty jealousy? If being spoiled is a misdemeanor, wouldn’t jealousy get us in the clink as well?

Or, maybe you say, that what you really want is reasonable punishment for her driving with a suspended license? Fine. Tell me what was the societal debt that the punishment is designed to repay? Has anyone really measured the extent/cost of her crime? What does she owe? What were we hoping that her 23 days in jail actually pay back to society? What did we want it to cost her? Did this cost her something? Was the value of the cost equal to the debt to society? It seems to me that it might be better—perhaps for her to pay cash to an appropriate charity. A lot of cash.

Or maybe you say that the justice system is really interested in ‘reformation’. The system would like to think that after 23 (or 3) days in the pokey will change her heart, and now she will not drive without a license? Does anyone really believe this? I guess she may hate prison so much that she won’t—but that is fear-based. Is her heart really transformed?

This blog is trying to raise better questions. What did Paris do? What was the cost to society that needed to be paid back? What are creative means that she could pay that back? What imaginative life-changing ways can we engage her to become part of the community—involved, compassion to others, humble (loving God and loving neighbors; golden rule stuff).

Society was not better off with Hilton behind bars – or now free. I am not sure that anyone was transformed, or healed. I don’t think that the crime was even thought through. The judicial bureaucracy’s wheels turned and dysfunctionally did what they will do 10 times out of 10. It is not really working. What do you think?

Now that the hub bub has died down a bit, I am ready to put my two cents in the dialogue. Imus was clearly in the wrong with his comments. I join with the consenus of the US who agree that his words were inappropriate and demeaning.

I also appreciate his apologies and what would appear to be well meaning sorrow for his comments. But having said that, the new question on the table is ‘Now what?’ What should happen to Imus that would ‘pay’ for the crimes against the Rutgers ladies basketball players? Was his admission and apology enough? Was the 2 week ‘vacation’ enough? Was being fired enough?

If we really wanted a reasonable justice to take place in this matter, two things need to occur. If Imus indeed really harmed someone, there should be– reasonably– a fair punishment to Imus. That’s fair isn’t it. It should be a reasonable objective discipline that costs Imus something, acts as a reminder and deterrent to him and other shock jocks. But that is incomplete. Secondly, there should be actions that restore to the ladies whatever Imus took from them.

The fair thing that should happen is a mutually agreed upon process of restoration involving Imus and the ladies. Let’s assume that he took honor away from the ladies. This is a very reasonable conclusion. They are people, made in God’s image and worthy of being held up in honor and respect. Not to mention the fact that they were also the runner up national champions and had earned the right to be honored.

For Imus to treat them and their efforts with disdain, prejudice, contempt, or even indifference was a horrific crime. His comments verbally objectified people to whom real honor and worth was due. He robbed them of public glory. They experienced among other things, a debt.

So the question to the ladies is this, “What was that crime worth to you?” Put some thought into the question. What was the real value of what Imus’ thoughtless perverse words took from you? Was the robbery of low value to you? If it was of low value, then his apology was probably more than enough to honor you and to restore the honor grabbed. On the other hand, if you really down deep beleive that you are a person to whom great honor was due, then perhaps the apology didn’t restore you to wholeness– or even come close?

If the latter is true, than for you to accept his apology was a self-inflicted debasement and objectification. Let me give you an image. If someone stole $10,000 from you; only later to give you $1000 and a sincere apology, you have a couple of choices. You can accept the $1000 (along with the $9000 debt) and swallow the debt yourself— or you can maintain the forgiveness/reconciliation process until the full debt is fully paid.

If you think that you are a person of real worth, and that Imus stole public glory from you, and has only ‘paid back’ a portion of the real debt that you experienced, what are you proclaiming to the world by your full acceptance of his apology. Ironically, you are committing a self-inflicted wound that looks a lot like what he did to you. You too have acted in a way that devalues your worth– you have accepted his assessment of your value and expected honor again– and have come short.

It is not a question of being a big person, or a good person, or a Christian, or a compassionate person. Inherently, you are saying that the intrinsic honor ascribed to you by his (lets assume) heartfelt apology fully paid you back. Is this what you really want to say? Or are you swallowing the debt yourself?

It is not a question of your sense of goodness, as much as your sense of your intrinsic worth. My guess, and ultimately it is not for me to say, but for the ladies themselves, is that the ladies have been rushed to forgive and have shortcutted a process that would have been a beautiful thing to watch. They are worth far, far more than the apology afforded. I hope that they really know that.

My best friend of sixteen years, Sam, and I have shared many secrets. I recently told her that my husband Jeff was not the true father of our 4yr old son Timothy. I explained to her that as his god-mother I felt she deserved to know. My husband knows that he is not Timothy’s father, yet he chose to stay with me and take care of him as if he were. He was able to forgive me for cheating on him and still raise my son as if he were his own. I have always been grateful for that. I explained all of this to Sam and she seemed OK with it. She told me she always suspected and was waiting for me to tell her, but other than that she seemed OK with it. I asked her not to say a word to anyone, and she promised me that she wouldn’t. I thought after 16yrs of friendship I would be able to trust her. Sam was the only person outside of my fa mily that I trusted with Tim’s secret. Several months past since I told her and I recently found out that she told her husband about Tim and Jeff. Her husband is Timothy’s god-father and a close friend of Jeff’s. One night Jeff comes storming in to the house drunk, and starts screaming at me. He called me a “good for nothing whore” and said “you can’t keep your legs closed, how could I expect you to keep your mouth closed.” I tried to calm him down, so he could tell me what was going on. He told me that Sam told her husband everything about Tim. I couldn’t believe it. I trusted her with a secret that could have very-well torn my family apart, and she turned around and told her husband. I understand that he is a mutual friend of the family and as the god-father he has a right to know as well, but she had no right to say anything. I haven talked to her once since that incident happened. She has tried to contact me and apologize, but I told her I can not forgive her for what she did. She violated my trust and our friendship. It was not her place to say anything. She had absolutely nothing at all to gain. She explained to me that she is stressed because she thinks she might be pregnant and it slipped out while her and her husband were talking about the baby. I find it hard to ever forgive Sam for what she did. I do not care about her reasons. Reasoning does not change the fact that she did it. Although she has assured me that she will not tell anyone; I find it hard to believe her or forgive her. I have told her we can no longer be friends after such a betrayal of trust. Although, no real harm was done; My family does know what happened and my husband is still going to be a part of Timothy’s life. As far as I am concerned Jeff is Timothy’s father, and nothing is going to change that. We have decided not to tell Timothy anything about his real father because he is still young. We are still not even sure if we are going to tell him at all. What is the point in confusing him if he already has a great father in his life? I have not spoken to Sam in weeks. Should I forgive her and salvage our friendship? Or should I continue to ignore her? What is the right thing to do?

Story Shared by “School Girl”

Millions of Christians—Jesus-Followers will say this or hear this particularly this weekend. It is Easter weekend. The Christian community is united in remembering the brutal sacrificial death of Jesus Christ on the cross during the annual Passover celebration in Jerusalem. Among other things that it represents, it is the judicial judgment for all of my crimes against God, mankind and creation. All of them. The work of Jesus, the Son of God on the cross that day has satisfied the demands of any court in all of the universe for all of my crimes of commission and omission. Technically, legally and in actuality, I have already had my day in court, been found absolutely guilty and condemned rightly to eternal punishment—and through the one act of the Final Adam—what I owed justice has been now fully paid. Not overlooked, not swept under the celestial rug, not the merciful act of a compassionate judge who just rubs my head and says, “Well, you messed up, but..hey its OK now!” It was fully weighed, measured and adjudicated—perfectly. Paid in full—though I didn’t spend a day in Hell.

I am now forgiven by God on the sole work of Jesus in my stead, on my behalf, in my place as a substitute guilty condemned.

This is the stunning news of Good Friday! It is finished, legally for me and for the billions of very guilty-as-sin-Jesus-followers like me. I am legally ‘forgiven’; meaning specifically (and this is very important) that all crimes, all debts, all offenses have been fully paid for. My debt against God is fully satisfied and so now He reasonably– naturally forgives me. It makes perfect social sense now. What is not to forgive—it is paid for. We can now commune as if there was never any debt between us. File closed. There is nothing to prevent His eternal love, honor, glory from pouring out over me for all eternity. Reconciliation can now begin experientially in earnest. I can now really get it! All because Jesus took care, perfectly of all my debts.

So now, back to the original statement. On this day, Christians all over the globe in 100s of languages will hear at the end of millions of homilies and messages from a 1000 different denominations and sects, “Go Now and Forgive Like Jesus—Forgive like God does.”

Almost without exception—universally, that has come to mean, “Because of the awesome huge price to Jesus for what he did for you, by an act of the will, just let go of the debt of the crime committed against you.” Let go of your right of justice for that crime. Choose to forgive. Choose the path of compassion. Choose to release the ‘other’ from the debt caused by their offense. You absorb their debt because, “that’s what Jesus – that’s what God would do!”

No! Particularly on this day, we can see that that is not the case. That is exactly not what God would do. God required the horrific death, the vulgar painful humiliating dehumanizing death of the God-Son, Jesus, before He would move one single iota toward forgiving you or I of any crime—any crime—no matter how big or how little. God, by His wonderful and glorious perfect nature (which is reflected in us as His image) demands justice for all crimes—all rebellion. The Universe is perfectly moral. It is foundationally good yet scarred by evil and corruption. It is God’s perfect plan that all corruption be redeemed. Nothing less.

Let me put it another way. You cannot really forgive-like-Jesus anyone until their actual debt to you is fully paid; what they took from you directly and indirectly is fully paid. There may be the words, “I forgive”, but it does not mean the same thing that God means. Actually way down deep, that kind of ‘I forgive’ is in actuality a secondary self-victimization. You are giving up your right to the debt being paid. You are undermining the image of God in you. Ironically, it is a sin against God!

Until the debt is paid – and you are restored– there is no basis for ‘Jesus-intimacy’. There may be some lesser reconciliation, boundaries, some flimsy foundation—there may be ‘peace’—but not ever intimacy—not the God-peace that surpasses comprehension.

On this weekend, where God’s wonderful gracious justice is most clearly manifested—lets not in any way water down ‘forgiveness’. Not this year. Let’s go for something much higher this year and truly be set free from our victimization. Let’s find deep intimacy with those who offended us so deeply!

OK, put this in the category of ‘No kidding!’ According to a 2004 study by Julie Exline (et al) published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol 87, 2004), narcissism is a “robust distinct predictor of unforgiveness”. It would seem that the narcissisist’s innate expectation of special treatment and preoccupation of defending their own rights, make them terrible candidates to forgive and forget.

The authors summarize their findings as follows: “Entitled narcissists are readily offended, and they are eager to save face and to defend their rights. As such they tend to see forgiveness as a costly and morally unappealing option.”

Forgiveness by its very nature requires an ‘other focus’—not just seeing the ‘other’ as a nuisance, threat, enemy or a bother, but as a person made in the image of God– who is entitled to honor and glory—someone who has intrinsic worth that should be noted. Narcissists for a number of reasons can only see their own value, or at least can only see the need to protect their value as perceived in their own eyes or in others. Until that focus shifts, there truly is no hope for any forgiveness or reconciliation. Ironically, the un-transformed narcissist is doomed to a life of ultimate dishonor.

Or are the researchers looking at it wrong? Does the debt of the crimes against us actually — unchecked– transform us into narcissisists? When someone has done something to me or taken something from me, my immediate reaction is to focus all of my energies into restoring things to a balance in my life somehow. I can get obsessed by that venture. Isn’t that what a narcissisist looks like? So did the research really confirm that unless we access forgiveness quickly, we will become narcissistic to some degree. To that degree, we will resist the forgiveness process– which will make us more narcissists– and the cycle continues in a downward spiral? What do you think? What finally breaks that cycle?