Narcissists can’t forgive!
OK, put this in the category of ‘No kidding!’ According to a 2004 study by Julie Exline (et al) published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol 87, 2004), narcissism is a “robust distinct predictor of unforgiveness”. It would seem that the narcissisist’s innate expectation of special treatment and preoccupation of defending their own rights, make them terrible candidates to forgive and forget.
The authors summarize their findings as follows: “Entitled narcissists are readily offended, and they are eager to save face and to defend their rights. As such they tend to see forgiveness as a costly and morally unappealing option.”
Forgiveness by its very nature requires an ‘other focus’—not just seeing the ‘other’ as a nuisance, threat, enemy or a bother, but as a person made in the image of God– who is entitled to honor and glory—someone who has intrinsic worth that should be noted. Narcissists for a number of reasons can only see their own value, or at least can only see the need to protect their value as perceived in their own eyes or in others. Until that focus shifts, there truly is no hope for any forgiveness or reconciliation. Ironically, the un-transformed narcissist is doomed to a life of ultimate dishonor.
Or are the researchers looking at it wrong? Does the debt of the crimes against us actually — unchecked– transform us into narcissisists? When someone has done something to me or taken something from me, my immediate reaction is to focus all of my energies into restoring things to a balance in my life somehow. I can get obsessed by that venture. Isn’t that what a narcissisist looks like? So did the research really confirm that unless we access forgiveness quickly, we will become narcissistic to some degree. To that degree, we will resist the forgiveness process– which will make us more narcissists– and the cycle continues in a downward spiral? What do you think? What finally breaks that cycle?